sigh.

i feel damn sian abt film in general for some reason. i guess i always feel this way towards something that im not prepared. i dont feel prepared for tmr's shoot, mostly because i didnt expect it to drag out so long. altho im only the actor. i guess the reason why im feeling so sian is that i dont have much creative input in it. it just feels blah to me already. im just doing it, just to get thru the motions and kinda get it done. i guess what im really learning is what to do/what not to do if i ever plan to shoot anything.

like, how it is so important to have a bloody realistic schedule. which actually has everything going on, on time. and some bossy person to actually get everything moving on time. well, i guess it's so hard to estimate. we didnt do it. c.as.hl.e.ss isnt exactly on schedule either, and you would think it is with all the experienced persons thrown in it. The real big problem abt not being on schedule is that, most of the people are not obliged to be around anymore because it's not factored it into their time table. and it's just plain demoralising, in my opinion, when crew members are MIAed.

even day-to-day schedule is so damn important. it kinda really sucks when shoots dont start or end on time.

well, the biggest thing i learnt from both productions, that im doing so far, is that the director has to carry the most. not only in the sense that he is the 'autuer', but also because he is the one who needs to push everything together, and have a big enough ass to be a director AND producer (esp in such small short films). It's not easy, i dont even know if i have the strength to do it.

kinda making me feel a bit depressed. since the pool of pple to get help from is so small, and everyone has their own work to do.

sigh.

damn freaking depressed abt tmr's shoot already. and the whole of next week is gonna be d.efin.iti.on. im not exactly excited, since the joy of filmmaking has kinda dissipated. it's not fun to help in sth where ur words dont matter. ur just there because they need hands not brains. admin work should be simple easy peasy actually. everytime i feel damn sian, i just think of yingling and how im so sure she'd be able to get everything done. then i kinda feel useless. like why cant i be determined and haev enough conviction to carry out the whole thing. i feel so doomed to failure already.


bah. and fuck. i really wanna go shopping instead. but no mooolah either =(((

damnnit. i dont even want to blame anything abt film about this. because it clearly was a choice i made. i could really be working and doing all these. but i figured that if i just concentrate on film this holiday i would be more focussed and accomplish sth more. except i feel that im doing anything but film.

this is just me. i like being so hands-on abt the actual thing itself. like when i pissed pple off the time when i wanted to be the one operating the blender to make frappacinno because i thought it was so exciting. and then i kinda pissed the very pple who wanted to help in the store.

im kinda disappointed at myself more than anything else for being weak and wanting to stay this way right now. i dont even know why i cant handle such a simple thing. it's like, everybody ELSE are handling it pretty well. what's up with me. like, jian is handling it so well and he got half a dozen things to do (and hes WORKING TOO?), jeremy included and alvin too.

and the thing is that i cant talk to anyone because either they arent listening or im probably afraid to tell them im not good enough lest i will be passed up for a better opportunity. like i found that telling alvin, just meant that he'd ask me if he take over from me instead so that i can concentrate on my work. i do feel like giving up. but i've done so far already i might as well just finish it. but, i just have an aversion to completing projects. I feel like i just am not capable enough to bring a project to the end of the race. (see, two projects i was working on so far in NUS has failed) it's like this mentality stuck in me since primary school (gawd how does primary school even come into this picture), when i was given this project to do and i never did it because i didnt think of doing it when there's no one to tell me what to do step by step.

rubbish huh.

what kinda logic is this

the very same logic that made me watch only 1 out of 2 vcds i have of MCR (at the peak when i loved them so damn much), and still havent watched it. Like how i havent watched Cashback either, even though i bought the vcd ages ago.

or like how i never wear any new clothes i buy till i forget about them.

like, tell me. what's up with that. why do i do that?

to suppress myself from doing something i like in order not to just want to do sth in the fire in the moment? like, cos the novelty wont be there anymore. and i might just lose interest in life since life is really just made up of novelties?

haha. wth?

am i putting aside working on a script so that i can direct sth, just because i was soo very interested in film-making, like so much that i just couldnt stop analysing films the way i know it. and it's like this sorta fire that makes me sure that i can do sth just like that? but then i dont wanna do it because i know im gonna disappoint myself.

i easily disappoint myeslf. i got all these ridiculous expectations of myself.

k i feel a bit better. spilling my guts.

now i know what's really bothering me already. tho i doubt i solved it.

the only way to solve it is to make one film. and then find out if it's what i really want.

sigh.

i feel damn sian abt film in general for some reason. i guess i always feel this way towards something that im not prepared. i dont feel prepared for tmr's shoot, mostly because i didnt expect it to drag out so long. altho im only the actor. i guess the reason why im feeling so sian is that i dont have much creative input in it. it just feels blah to me already. im just doing it, just to get thru the motions and kinda get it done. i guess what im really learning is what to do/what not to do if i ever plan to shoot anything.

like, how it is so important to have a bloody realistic schedule. which actually has everything going on, on time. and some bossy person to actually get everything moving on time. well, i guess it's so hard to estimate. we didnt do it. c.as.hl.e.ss isnt exactly on schedule either, and you would think it is with all the experienced persons thrown in it. The real big problem abt not being on schedule is that, most of the people are not obliged to be around anymore because it's not factored it into their time table. and it's just plain demoralising, in my opinion, when crew members are MIAed.

even day-to-day schedule is so damn important. it kinda really sucks when shoots dont start or end on time.

well, the biggest thing i learnt from both productions, that im doing so far, is that the director has to carry the most. not only in the sense that he is the 'autuer', but also because he is the one who needs to push everything together, and have a big enough ass to be a director AND producer (esp in such small short films). It's not easy, i dont even know if i have the strength to do it.

kinda making me feel a bit depressed. since the pool of pple to get help from is so small, and everyone has their own work to do.

sigh.

damn freaking depressed abt tmr's shoot already. and the whole of next week is gonna be d.efin.iti.on. im not exactly excited, since the joy of filmmaking has kinda dissipated. it's not fun to help in sth where ur words dont matter. ur just there because they need hands not brains. admin work should be simple easy peasy actually. everytime i feel damn sian, i just think of yingling and how im so sure she'd be able to get everything done. then i kinda feel useless. like why cant i be determined and haev enough conviction to carry out the whole thing. i feel so doomed to failure already.


bah. and fuck. i really wanna go shopping instead. but no mooolah either =(((

damnnit. i dont even want to blame anything abt film about this. because it clearly was a choice i made. i could really be working and doing all these. but i figured that if i just concentrate on film this holiday i would be more focussed and accomplish sth more. except i feel that im doing anything but film.

this is just me. i like being so hands-on abt the actual thing itself. like when i pissed pple off the time when i wanted to be the one operating the blender to make frappacinno because i thought it was so exciting. and then i kinda pissed the very pple who wanted to help in the store.

im kinda disappointed at myself more than anything else for being weak and wanting to stay this way right now. i dont even know why i cant handle such a simple thing. it's like, everybody ELSE are handling it pretty well. what's up with me. like, jian is handling it so well and he got half a dozen things to do (and hes WORKING TOO?), jeremy included and alvin too.

and the thing is that i cant talk to anyone because either they arent listening or im probably afraid to tell them im not good enough lest i will be passed up for a better opportunity. like i found that telling alvin, just meant that he'd ask me if he take over from me instead so that i can concentrate on my work. i do feel like giving up. but i've done so far already i might as well just finish it. but, i just have an aversion to completing projects. I feel like i just am not capable enough to bring a project to the end of the race. (see, two projects i was working on so far in NUS has failed) it's like this mentality stuck in me since primary school (gawd how does primary school even come into this picture), when i was given this project to do and i never did it because i didnt think of doing it when there's no one to tell me what to do step by step.

rubbish huh.

what kinda logic is this

the very same logic that made me watch only 1 out of 2 vcds i have of MCR (at the peak when i loved them so damn much), and still havent watched it. Like how i havent watched Cashback either, even though i bought the vcd ages ago.

or like how i never wear any new clothes i buy till i forget about them.

like, tell me. what's up with that. why do i do that?

to suppress myself from doing something i like in order not to just want to do sth in the fire in the moment? like, cos the novelty wont be there anymore. and i might just lose interest in life since life is really just made up of novelties?

haha. wth?

am i putting aside working on a script so that i can direct sth, just because i was soo very interested in film-making, like so much that i just couldnt stop analysing films the way i know it. and it's like this sorta fire that makes me sure that i can do sth just like that? but then i dont wanna do it because i know im gonna disappoint myself.

i easily disappoint myeslf. i got all these ridiculous expectations of myself.

k i feel a bit better. spilling my guts.

now i know what's really bothering me already. tho i doubt i solved it.

the only way to solve it is to make one film. and then find out if it's what i really want.