hey there, i havent blogged in a while. i guess i've been really busy. so okay a little updates.
it's already way after the recess week of the SECOND semester. i really do feel old. gawd, soon the whole place would be filled with freshies, and then i guess i just have to feel like i shldnt be walking around feeling noobish and not feel guilty about it.
and my cca. im within the committee so it's taking up some time too. haha. im waiting to learn loads. but i guess i'm not even sure what im looking for yet. so how to ask? everyones also desperately trying to do what they like. there's a little secrecy here and there and i guess everything would fall into place after some time i hope.
and work. well im really getting used to just u know reading and reading and reading. taking forever to read an article, still taking forever to write an essay, still taking forever to get things done.
and sometimes u know u go into a room because you want to pick up something but u forget it when u are in there? well i wanted to post sth but i guess typing it all out and then deciding to not post it up after all is better.
oh and i finally got back my camera after eons from jillian. =) yays thanks.
and let's see gg to bangkok hopefully?
i desperately love make u still but it's getting kinda annoying cos sometimes i think i look so much without all that gunk on my face. but i cant help it. the colours are pretty =( like i mean youtube people seem to do it so well. my make up would look okay and then really muddy at the end of the day. my mom suggests i touchup. but definately, being me just means not even bothering to bring 'equipment' to touch up.
thinking about filming. i wonder if i still have that drive and patience to edit for hours and hours to no end just to get it all perfect. or whether when i direct i would have so many obstacles. well the truth is that i havent done a single filming yet since i joined nustudios. and it's kinda tough cos i wanna film? but im afraid once i start i realise that maybe i dont really enjoy it like i did in the past? i'm putting it off because what if im no good at it. and i did really really enjoy doing it because i felt i might possibly be good at it.
do u get it?
well i am really the kinda person. and the kinda person still to choose to avoid doing something just because im afraid that im gg to disappoint myself, or anyone who believes in me. i rather pretend to get it all wrong to tell myself that 'hey i didnt do my best so there it goes, i might possibly be good at it if i did try.'
well somethings that i tried that disapppointed myself are like probably singing i guess. it took alot but as usual i had this stage fright where my heart was thumping so hard i could feel it in my throat. and when i sang everything was just. weird. or when i tried just so hard and all my dad did was give me a blank stare.
gawd people dont know when they really hurt me.
im gonna attribute it to the fact that im a crab. that im hyper sensitive and emotional.
that when someone wasnt the same as he was three months ago doesnt mean anything has changed.
in fact im probably just emoing just for the sake of it. and im just ranting cos i cant possibly do the thing where i type sth cheerful about that day like i planned to at the begginning of the year because i am the kinda person who takes all the laughter for granted cos i laugh too easily. anything possibly could make me smile. unless im really upset. then the harder i smile the more i'd cry.
i shall do it from tmr tho. typing something good about the day. i should. i should appreciate those around me. especially dudley and my parents of course.
haha fark im now feeling guilty for my outburst that im talking about appreciating when im ranting.
u know it's much easier telling my computer or blog anything because it just is. i dont have to notice if the person is starting to feel bored because i wont see if the reader is bored. i wont have to fight to have my turn to say because it is afterall MY space. and i do not need to feel insecure about what i say because the computer just looks welcoming.
sigh.
yeah i guess i rant to the computer when what i need isnt really answers. but just a listening ear.
and my displacement of my sick feelings are put on telling myself that im fat and ugly and stupid. and that makes me sick because i know nobody else wants to hear that.
haha. im damn smart i wrote an uber long post that nobody reads because nobody likes lengthy posts. yays. so this way readership is pushed down. cos nobody really shld see me ranting.
sigh. i feel better. i guess i just needed time and putting my mind off my problems. whatever problems they actually are.
so now what. i do wanna get an easy job somewhere this coming summer hols. like in a ice cream parlor or somesort. dont have to think and when i go home i can like play guitar or sth. yeah guitar. i havent touched it in eons.
i wish i was more focussed and just liked one or two things enough to pursue it and not want to do a whole spectrum of things and not even learn how to do it right. im such a scatterbrain aye. like bird food. scatter on the floor.
k maybe i need some retail therapy. why does retail therapy help me? because having new things make me feel happy.
k bye.
haha
